Foot in Mouth

So, I was experiencing my first bout of ‘writer’s block’ after only ever posting twice; ideas were difficult to come by and this whole blog thing wasn’t looking too promising. But then it hit me, I have a tried and tested formula; all I have to do is recall stories which expose my limited IQ and oooweee are there some corkers. This specific collection of shambolic anecdotes are all based on saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, I hope you enjoy!

I don’t know what it is about engagements/weddings; it could be the hundreds of eyes, the crowded nature or just the magnitude of the event, but without fail, my verbal communication will betray me. In summary, Andrew writes a whole lot better than he speaks. One time, a wedding ceremony I was attending had finished, and everyone was leaving to find their way to the reception. Standing by the exit were the parents of the newly betrothed; they were greeting people as they were passing. I gave myself the pep talk, I rehearsed the script, I was going to say “Congratulations, it was such a beautiful ceremony… thanks for having me.” What I didn’t take into consideration was that conversations require a discourse, a back-and-forth and there is a need for adaptability. As I approached the father of the groom, I was about to enact the script, but he got the first word in; “blah blah blah, thank you for coming.’” Benjamin Franklin once said, ‘by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Benjamin Franklin is a liar, I prepared so well but I still failed and in spectacular fashion. I tried to say the things that I had prepared but instead this came out, ‘No, thank YOU for coming.’ Yup, you read correctly, I thanked the father of the groom for coming to his own son’s wedding. Perplexed, puzzled, mystified, bewildered and confused, all of these words combined still wouldn’t accurately describe his expression after my comments. 

Like I said, this isn’t a ‘one-off’ kinda thing, I truly am nothing if not consistent. Another time, I was in the toilet when I came to the realisation that someone I knew was getting engaged. So, there I was constructing a congratulatory message, but I couldn’t be the same as everyone else, I had to make a unique message. A simple “Congratulations, I hope you have an amazing day! We are all so happy for you,” would not suffice. With regards to what I actually wrote; you know those scenarios where you have something really funny to say, but you know you shouldn’t, yeah, this isn’t one of those times. The message I sent read, “Hey, do you know what you and my toilet currently have in common?” I mean just from the get-go, this is an absolute stinker (the pun was intended). The person actually humoured me by replying “hahaha I don’t know, what do we have in common?” Without hesitation I texted, “You are both currently engaged.” Bearing in mind, she took the time out of her day of celebration to reply and that’s what I decided to serve up. I have to say, I only realised this was actually an awful thing to say during lockdown; reflection is a powerful thing folks.  

Now this isn’t just a ‘me’ thing, in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s genetic. When I say my dad has probably had one of the worst choice of words known to mankind, I say so with the utmost seriousness. One afternoon, my sister was looking to purchase a car and the Tadross’ had descended upon a car dealership (descended because this story only goes downhill from here). We were browsing, minding our business when we heard a voice from afar, “Mr Tadross, is that you?” It just so happened that the man calling was a salesman and he was the son-in-law of one of my dad’s knee replacement patients. Naturally, my dad begins to ask about his mother-in-law “How’s she doing, is the knee still strong?” To which the salesman paused and took a moment before replying hesitantly, “Unfortunately, she has recently passed away.” You may be thinking that was the part where my dad put his foot in his mouth, no, my dad then proceeded to put his whole gosh darn leg in his mouth. Now, I have to admit, his response was a bit of a knee-jerk reaction (the pun was intended), but I honestly don’t know in what universe he thought this was an appropriate choice of words. My dad goes on to say ‘Yeah…. ….. …… …… …. . . . . .  but how was the knee?’ The only excuse I can conjure up, is that my dad is very passionate about his job, and he must not have had the time to comprehend the gravity of his comments. Anyway, I don’t recall what happened after, I’m pretty sure I have blocked this from my memory due to the HEAVY second-hand embarrassment. However, I imagine everyone was stood around looking a little like this…. 

Before I conclude these stories, I just want to say sorry mama, but it would actually be rude not to share. I also would like to add, this is my mum's second language, so cut her some slack. On a Sunday afternoon, I had given my phone to my mum, we were scrolling through pictures and obviously she took it upon herself to explore, swiping left and right. Halfway through, I got up, went to the toilet and after coming back, I was met by a questioning gaze. "Who is Gamel, and why does he keep messaging you Andrew?" At this point I was baffled, as I don't know any Gamels and I am definitely not in regular contact with one. "I honestly have no idea what you are on about," however, this answer was not an option apparently. She went on, "Andrew, just tell me who Gamel is, you just got three notifications from him." So I took my phone and checked and to my shock... 

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Gamel! 

The moral of these stories are that you should always think before you speak (that message is more for my family than for you guys). But, if that fails, remember, you will always have a good story to share. Feel free to share your 'foot in mouth' stories in the comments below (don't worry you can do this anonymously), so that I can feel better about myself.