Laugh at my Pain

The Oxford English dictionary defines embarrassing as ‘causing embarrassment.’ As useful as this reference was, I preferred Merriam-Webster’s definition of ‘a feeling of self-conscious confusion and distress.’ This definition explains why logical people hide their embarrassing stories and don’t go around sharing them, but we don’t do logic here. Usually, embarrassing moments come and go, leaving behind no trace except for the memory which is etched in your brain. Interestingly, my embarrassment was only realised this year when I rediscovered a self-written book from 2014 which I gifted my brother, titled ‘The Life and Times of Daniel Tadross.’ I was re-reading this novella, and I was a bit confused as to why people say time heals all wounds, as in this instance, all time did was open a wound I did not know previously existed! However, I did gain a chuckle or two, so I decided to critique my writing for your viewing pleasure. 

To my siblings who will laud this over me, you’re not perfect either and I have the receipts. Firstly, my sister thought that the cross on the flag of England would turn blue if the Conservative party won the general election. Furthermore, my brother can hardly laugh having been caught by an unimpressed monk having a secret dance-off with his friends in a monastery (he was giving it his all). Ok, now that their dirty laundry is aired, I’ll start. 

Just so you guys understand the level here, the opening sentence was as follows; ‘This is a novel explores the lives of the Tadross trio.’ Does this look like someone who should be gifting written work? I mean at least don’t make a mistake on your fifth word, give your head a wobble lad. This novella was an adaptation of Daniel’s life and there was some truth weaved in, but I gave myself creative freedom and boy did I take it. One of the passages focused on my arrival into this world and I do have to hand it to mini-me, not all of it was trash. My personal favourite line was as follows; ‘He lifted up the child and managed to squeeze the words out whilst keeping the tears in, “the perfect child, after the first two experiments, we finally did it!”’ Now, this sentence didn’t make me laugh per se, but it did make me blow excessive air out of my nose (which is better than I can say for the rest of whatever this is). Anyway, I go on to describe my brother’s reaction to the news and I have to say it took an unexpected twist: “Daniel was feeling down in the dumps, but he came to the sudden realisation that he wanted to pursue a career in rap music.” Ah yes, makes sense. You hear you’re going to have a brother, which makes you realise that you have to leave your life as a 6-year-old and pursue a rap career. 

Just to compound my misery, I actually ended by sharing the imagined rap, which was titled ‘Dan Yeezy.’ The standard is absolutely atrocious, but I guess I was imagining Daniel in the studio, so makes sense. Here’s a snippet, a taste, an insight into the mind of 14-year-old me. 

Your hair looks like a tree

It looks like you got flees

You say your parents love ya 

Is that why I saw an advert for you on Gumtree!

Just you wait and see

They’ll be calling me Mohammed Ali

Cause I just KO-ed thee.

To this day I honestly have no idea who Daniel was rapping about in this song, but I have to admit I really enjoyed the line about gumtree (I did say I included truthful anecdotes). As for the conversion to old English when saying he would knock someone out, the less said the better. I’m just glad that I missed the TikTok boat, because I cannot think of anything worse than willingly uploading this to the internet….  The real cherry on top is that I signed the novella off with ‘By Andrew and Mary Tadross.’ I genuinely thought I was doing Mary a solid by saying that she participated in this, for her pride I can tell you she did not, rest easy Mazza. 

There is no real point to any of this, I just wanted to have a laugh in isolation. But I would like you guys to take away three things. Firstly, don’t take yourself too seriously, live life with a smile on your face, even if it is at your own expense. Secondly, if you enjoy something even if you suck at it (see above), stick at it and improvements will come (I hope you see the progress lol). Finally, and probably most importantly, rap is not for everyone (especially Dan). 

By Andrew Tadross (not Mary Tadross)