Food Fumbles

Food. It can unite and it can divide (as you will soon read). Food is like a good story, you need certain ingredients to get a desired outcome, I will be recalling the times where the plot went a bit awry. Buckle up, it's a tasty wan. 

Kanye West once said in his timeless classic ‘Family Business’ - “You know that one Auntie, you don’t mean to be rude, but every holiday nobody eatin’ her food.” Some may say this was foreshadowing, a warning of sorts, however as fate would have it, whilst en route to a family function these words would fall on the deafest of ears. Now family gatherings, everyone knows how the family seems to gather and the food seems to gather about 24 hours later… in short, me needed fewd. Dinner was ready and all in attendance swarmed the dining room, the mains I would rate 10/10, would consume again. The food was bangin and everyone was satisfied & satiated. However, there's always room for dessert and ooooo nelly, the options were looking tempting. One dessert in particular had piqued my interest; an uncle had boldly claimed to have mastered the 'cheesecake', however, his salesmanship had me sold. So there I was, young and naive, cutting myself a slice of cheescake and about to chomp down. The uncle then bellowed across the room, "I have included a special ingredient." Everyone in the room simultaneously took a bite and simultaneously a look of terror befell everyones face... the silence was deafening. I would like to convey to you the taste experience, however, words could never capture the events of the 18th July 2020, nevertheless, I will endeavour to do so. Imagine consuming the whole of the dead sea, with three added table spoons of salt; I would say that only accounted for around 32% of the salt content of the cheesecake. When the slice made contact with my mouth I suffered from instant dehydration, IV fluids were needed stat. 

                    My reaction after the first bite

I'm not done... It was saltier than Trump on election day, I would even go as far as saying,  it was saltier than me, who made note of this event in an attempt to seek revenge by writing a blog and publicly outing this individual two years later. 

                           Baso was a lil too salty

I was unsure if I should comment and compliment the chef , but I couldn't even bring myself to lie. Plot twist, the chef himself burst into laughter, something wasn't right. Had I just been Punk'd? The Uncle then proceeded to declare,  "I think I mixed up the salt and the sugar, but I don't think it made that much a difference." I have to say this was top tier trolling, I can only applaud, but with a stern look of disapproval, smh. The tastebud terrorist stood there and laughed whilst we tried rinsing our mouths out, this individual will remain nameless in spite of his crimes against humanity. I honestly haven't had a slice of cheesecake since, it seems his special ingredient was actually PTSD. In the words of Alfred from Batman, "Some men aren't looking for anything logical... some men just want to watch the world burn." 

Reaction when Uncle started laughing: ("Do not forget what we cannot forgiveeee")

So, to summarise, I don’t mean to be rude but I ain't eatin' his food. 

Continuing with the theme of food mishaps, in the same Summer, some of the boys went to a sushi buffet  in Sheffield called Tsuki. All orders are submitted via an iPad and there is a time limit of three hours until you can no longer order. So, it was reasonable in thinking that time was money, this lead to us ordering copious amounts of food without even trying anything, time was of the essence. On the whole, I could not recommend this place enough, however, there was one dish that was below par. It was an avacado roll dish, which was appropriately named by us, ASSacado, because it was absolute cheeks. Feel this speaks volume of the combined mental age of the group, we r clearly intellectuals.  However, in our rush we ordered this dish about 5 times over meaning we had approximately 50 assacado rolls and absolutely no desire to eat. Nevertheless, I don't know how y'all were raised but if we ordered it, we gots to finish it. 

The boys negotiating who has to have the next 25 assacado rolls 

Shads after having the last roll....

The deed was done, we had achieved the inconceivable. Now, at the end of your stay, you have to leave a review on the iPad of the food and the service. Unfortunately for us, this is where the day would turn south. Whilst reviewing the food we discussed what we thought about the food in Arabic because the waitress was stood collecting plates.  We are a democracy so everyone had a say,  however, in hindsight, Shads is never allowed to speak his mind again. Shads decided it was a good time to utter this stand-alone sentence in English when disputing what score the food should get out of 10- "Think about the ass." Now, you and I know he is referring to the avacado rolls, however, to the poor waitress who does not know Arabic, she CLEARLY thought that a table of 5 or so boys were rating her in Arabic. Estagfarallah. 

 When those fateful words exited Shads Pie-hole

I don't recall what the waitress' exact reaction was because I could not even make eye contact, but I do recall she left very swiftly afterwards. These stories always end the same, unfortunately, I haven't been there since, so that's cheesecake and Tsuki ruined for me, cheers.  :( 

These little mishaps are the quirks of life and even though at the time you may want to avoid them, they often end up being the memories you look back with the most fondness. I wouldn't want to change anything (begrudgingly, this means I wouldn't change the salt content of that cheeskcake). That's exactly how life should be, perfectly imperfect. Snap ur fingers, that was poetry (idk y it got deep, it's just food bro).